The Power of Nonviolent Communication: How Criticism Weakens Your Immune System.
In relationships, whether with partners, children, colleagues, or friends, how we communicate can make all the difference between connection and conflict. While most people don’t intend to harm others with their words, criticism is one of the most common forms of communication that can have damaging effects, not just emotionally but physically as well. Studies show that frequent criticism and negativity can weaken the immune system, making us more susceptible to illness.
The concept of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a way to shift from blame and criticism to understanding and connection. As he put it:
“What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.” — Marshall Rosenberg
The Science of Criticism and Immunity
This distinction is crucial. Instead of blaming others for how we feel, NVC teaches us to take responsibility for our emotions and express them in a way that fosters dialogue rather than defensiveness.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, has identified criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in communication, predictors of relationship failure. He defines criticism as attacking someone’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” which is a criticism, NVC suggests saying, “I feel unheard when I speak, and I need to know you understand me.”
Gottman’s research also shows that chronic criticism and contempt trigger the body’s stress response, leading to increased cortisol levels. Prolonged exposure to stress hormones can suppress immune function, making individuals more prone to infections, chronic inflammation, and even heart disease.
In fact, a study from Ohio State University found that couples who engage in frequent hostile interactions heal wounds more slowly than those who communicate with kindness and support. This means that the way we speak to each other has a direct, measurable impact on our physical health.
The Misguided Use of Criticism as Motivation
Criticism isn’t always used as an attack or defence mechanism, sometimes, we criticise with the best of intentions. Parents criticise children to push them toward success. Partners point out flaws in hopes of “helping” each other improve. Employers use criticism as a tool for professional growth.
Yet, more often than not, criticism fails to motivate, it provokes defensiveness instead. When people feel judged, their energy shifts from self-improvement to self-protection. Instead of inspiring change, criticism often reinforces resistance.
A more effective approach? Inspiration over correction. People are far more likely to rise to their highest potential when they feel trusted and valued. Instead of highlighting shortcomings, we can create an environment that assumes people are already capable and worthy. This activates their intrinsic motivation, they don’t want to fall below the standard of trust and belief we have in them.
John Gottman suggests that when people fall short, it’s more helpful to attribute their behaviour to temporary factors, like fatigue or stress, rather than to fixed personality flaws. Saying, “I know you usually do your best; you must be really tired today,” invites reflection rather than defensiveness.
How Nonviolent Communication Strengthens Well-Being
By practicing NVC, we can reduce the stress response and create relationships that nourish rather than deplete us. The four pillars of NVC are:
1. Start with appreciation. Begin by naming something you genuinely like, value, or respect about the person. This sets a collaborative tone and reminds them of the relationship beyond the current issue. (“I love how warm and relaxed our evenings are together, and how much I enjoy being around you at home.”)
2. Name the fact (not interpretation). Clearly state the specific behaviour or decision you disagree with — keep it factual, not emotional or accusatory. (“I’ve noticed that a pair of your socks has been on the floor every evening this week.”)
3. Express how you feel. Share your emotional response using “I” statements (e.g. “I felt frustrated…”), not blaming the other person for how you feel. – Identifying underlying needs (“I feel a bit disrespected when I’ve tidied the room in the morning, and then come back in the evening to find the same thing again.”)
4. Make a clear request. State what you’d like to happen instead, be specific, realistic, and future-oriented. (“Would you be willing to put your socks in the laundry basket when you take them off?”)
5. Offer a reward. Let them know the benefit or positive outcome that would come if they respected your request, this encourages goodwill and shared purpose. (“It would really help me feel more appreciated and I’ll have more energy to do things we both enjoy in the evening.”)
This kind of communication fosters safety, emotional connection, and even boosts immune function by reducing stress.
Healing Through Words
Criticism might feel natural, especially when we’re frustrated, but its consequences are far-reaching. Over time, it erodes trust, intimacy, and even our well-being. But the good news is that just as negative words can harm, conscious communication can heal.
Imagine what your relationships and your life could look like if your words built bridges instead of walls. What if, instead of feeling misunderstood or defensive, you could express yourself in a way that invites connection, understanding, and even admiration? What if you could break free from the cycle of criticism and replace it with a communication style that deepens your relationships rather than damages them?
If you’re ready to transform your interactions, improve your relationships, and even boost your well-being, why wait? You already know the cost of staying stuck in old patterns. You’ve seen how criticism pushes people away, how misunderstandings drain your energy, and how unresolved tension lingers long after the conversation ends. This shift is within your reach. The way you communicate is not a fixed trait, it’s a skill that can be refined.
So why not take the first step toward change today?
As a hypnotherapist, I specialise in guiding people towards rewiring subconscious responses to stress and conflict. That means you won’t just learn how to communicate your needs better, you’ll actually start feeling differently in your interactions. Less holding back, less frustration. More ease. More confidence.
And the best part? This isn’t some distant, hard-to-reach goal. It’s right here, right now, and completely within your grasp. The opportunity is in front of you, and all it takes is one simple choice:
Are you going to keep doing what hasn’t been working? Or are you ready to embrace a new way of relating that makes life and love so much more honest and balanced?
If you’re ready to move from criticism to connection, let’s work together.
